Its all about the heart change

This is my very first post in the “blogdom”. I’m uncertain of how this will all go and what kind of journey this will be, but I am learning so much and I’ve gotta share. I’ve had this profound revelation sinking its teeth in to my mind, it comes up in conversations with others and its changing me. I almost feel like writing about this in my first post is giving you the end of the book before you’ve had a chance to fall in love with the characters, laugh and cry with them, and waste enormous amounts of time because you have literally become a part of the story and you cannot put it down. But thats when God reminds me that there is more… there’s more to this story, His story. And while what I’m learning now feels like a culmination to an end, it’s not. So here we go…

The last two years of my life have been the hardest two years of my life. I mean, high school girl drama was pretty painful, but it was a cake walk compared to what we are experiencing now. A little background on my family…

My hubby and I have two BEAUTIFUL boys: Titus, who is 4, and Ely, who is 20 months. Titus is inquisitive, sweet, very caring, joyful, adventurous and trusting. Ely is mischievous, silly, nosy, loving, quirky and quite amusing. These are my boys and I need you to know them defined by these things before they are defined by anything else. They are loved. By many. They display these characteristics in the face of great odds, more junk than I’ve ever had to face.

For now I’ll share about my Titus…

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On February 10, 2014, we got a phone call that Titus had a seizure at school and had been taken to the hospital. That began a year long journey to now of searching for answers as the seizures grew and increased. To date, he has several a day (sometimes 100 or more) and wears a helmet to protect his head.

For a while, I viewed this journey with Titus as a “faith exercise” where God wanted to see if and for how long we could stand strong and “keep the faith”. It didn’t take long for me to crumble under the weight of this idea as there was no way I could keep standing strong. It was in that moment that God taught me something. Strength is not a feeling. It is a choice. Please understand, I do not wake up each day and say “today, I choose strength!” My strength isn’t sourced in and of itself. No, I don’t choose strength, I choose hope! Because that is where my strength comes from… hope that is found in my Lord! Hope has since become my lifeline, the banner I wave. But what I have learned recently feels more profound.

We’ve clung to this hope that someday, all those seizures and delays will just go away. We’ve had people praying for Titus’s miraculous healing. And let me be clear… I want desperately for my son to be healed of this awful disease of epilepsy and the pain it brings him every day. And I fully believe God can heal him. But I no longer beg for that each day. Because God is teaching me that through Titus’s story, our story, he is performing miracles- miracles of heart change. We often think the biggest way God can show up in this situation is by healing Titus physically. But He is teaching me that is not the case. So, I pray for a healing of a different nature… a healing of the heart. For you, for me, for the medical teams we interact with on a regular basis, for our family, for our friends- old and new, for my husband and my boys. I’m terrified of the part God will ask me to play in this. It means living in these hard moments intentionally. And not getting sucked in to the despair and sadness I often feel, while still being vulnerable and real about it. But I can’t think of a better way for God to redeem all this junk we’ve been through than to heal the hearts of many, whatever that may look like.

So with that, I invite you on this journey of heart change.

Thanks for listening…

Bekah

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33 thoughts on “Its all about the heart change

  1. Oh Bekah! You and your family are amazing! I agree with Danny’s encouragement for you to step into the blogging world! You have such a story to share, and I am excited to walk into that with you! Praise God for what He has done and will do in the future! Love you guys!!

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  2. Sweet girl! My heart goes out to you and your boys. May God bless ALL of you, I will continue to pray for you and this wonderful strength you have!

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  3. Bekah, thank you so much for sharing. It has been such a privilege to get to know you a little and observe the “joy” you have in hope but at the same time honesty with how incredibly hard this is for you.Thank you – Thank you!

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  4. You are beautiful inside and out. I feel so blessed to have you as my Daughter… Am so thankful you are the Mama of Titus & Ely… & the wife of my Danny. xoxoxo

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  5. Oooooohhhh…miss Bekah…what a story (testimony) you have to tell…and it is a beautiful, unfolding story of love, pain, hope, tears, joy, fear, gratitude, and faith that in it all…God is redeeming in so may ways! You are a great mommy! You have learned to navigate the “system” so bravely…I am proud of you sweet pea, and love you dearly! Keep writing Bekah, not only for your own healing but for the healing and restoration of many you don’t even know…God will use this!

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    • Debbie, thank you for this message! I am thankful for you and so many others of my I.F. family who God used as I grew up (and still uses) to shape my faith, encourage us, and support us as prayer warriors.. So so thankful!

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  6. Bekah-wow just wow. In the face of such an amazingly tough disease your son is dealing with -your FAITH in GOD, THE ALMIGHTY HEALER IS ASTOUNDING. You live and breathe hope for your boys, your life, your God. Just amazing-i’m tearing up at the wonderful faithful woman you are.

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    • Toni, you are so kind! I am so thankful for our time together in MOPS… you have impacted me and my family (as you directed us to a wonderful dr there in Chicago!) as you’ve shared your wisdom and your heart! Thank you!

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  7. Bekah, so well articulated! You and Danny are amazing. I think it is great to see you looking at how these things are providing a healing of the heart. Your story has and will continue to teach all of us a new and refreshing perspective on dealing with emotional pain. This blog is something that has the potential to “Heal many hearts”. I’m excited to see this blog bless many people, starting with me!! Don’t be terrified of the part God plans for you to play. He will provide you with the strength you need since he has chosen you specifically to play this role!! Thank you for sharing!

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  8. AMEN Sister! AMEN! I ditto this! Thank you for sharing your revelation and your heart. May your heart and mine continue to be more like Jesus’ heart. Praying for that infinite strength we have in Jesus for you! Bear arms! 😉

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  9. Bekah, Danny, Titus and Ely

    Daily Prayer for strength and hope. We love you to the moon and back as Jaiden would say
    Thank you for sharing ..it opens eyes, hearts and minds.
    We are here for you

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  10. Hi Bekah,
    Thanks for sharing. As a suggestion from Danny, I read your blog right after I committed (or maybe recommitted) to living a life of gratitude and acceptance. Although the details of out lives are extremely different, we share the desire to live a life full of joy regardless of circumstance. You beautifully put into words so much that I think and feel. Praying for you and your family! Sometimes living with joy takes a tremendous amount of strength. Your boys are blessed with a strong mother. Looking forward to your next post.

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    • Thank you so much Lisa! I love how you have chosen to live and view your life! I know God will use that to impact others around you! Thanks so much for sharing and for reading!! 🙂 I really appreciate it!

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  11. Thanks, Bekah. My friend Kyle Kalma passed this along to me and I think you’re perspective is beautiful, God-centered, not me-centered, comfort-centered! Reminds me of Paul in 2 Corinthians 12, “When I am weak, it’s then that I am strong.” May the joy of the Lord be your strength today! — John

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  12. Beka,
    I am praying for you sweet momma and dear sister in the Lord. I was introduced to your blog last night by a dear friend Lindsey Boros. My eyes have been glued to your page and have brought me so much encouragement in the Lord. Just know that even today as you are feeling more pain than you ever have before that He is using you and your sweet Titus and Ely to remind me of the trust, hope, and Joy I can have and share with others through Christ as my family endures its own difficult rode.

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