Just today

My head is being held up in between my hands. I feel so deeply that I’m starting to go numb and can’t feel anymore…

I crumble to the floor in the bathroom, sobbing, pleading for my boy back…

I scream at God, cursing him, throwing a temper tantrum that resembled my teenage years…

I just can’t. Not anymore. No more strength. No more.

I know the title of my blog is “Can’t steal my Joy”, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. This blog is just my war cry to show that I won’t lose like that. But this week, my joy was stolen. I wasn’t sure how to get it back either. I cried into my husband’s arms and expressed my frustration at the fact that hope was gone. It’s been a rough week. A really rough week.

Titus continued to seize so much these past few days that he just hasn’t functioned. He attempts, and we still see a smile here and there, but he struggles too. I’m sad at how he needs to go lay down throughout the day because he is so exhausted from the seizures. I’m sad at how he has a hard time walking on his own or eating on his own. I’m sad at how his big, gorgeous eyes are only ever half opened anymore. Every night when he would lay down to sleep, my stomach was in knots afraid of what we may encounter that night or the next day.

And then my mind would keep going. I’d think about what we would encounter if he was hospitalized. I told God I didn’t have strength for a hospitalization right now. I’d think about the therapies needing to get started to help him and I told God I didn’t have strength for more therapy sessions and doctors appointments right now. I’d think about his future and his inability to be independent that may carry into his adult years and I told God I don’t have the strength for that right now.

No, you don’t… he said.

I start to cry… again. How can I write about joy and hope and heart change when I feel this way? And in my desperation God speaks to my heart, like he always does, meeting me in my despair.

Daughter, all you need strength for right now is to lay your head down on that pillow and go. to. sleep.

I breathe. Just today. I only need strength for today. I only need strength for right now. And He has given me that.

“Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what  may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.” Matt. 6:34 (The Message)

Wanna guess what happened next?

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Titus was admitted into the hospital for an estimated 10 day stay. I’ve grown to hate these stays. But when the neurologist came in to our clinic visit and said he felt it best to send Titus right over to the hospital, something happened inside me. I felt strong. We could do this, Danny and I. God was giving us enough for just today. Because that’s all we needed. Just today…

Thanks for listening…

Bekah

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17 thoughts on “Just today

  1. Bekah….. this is exactly how I felt in those times. It will and I pray for the days to get better for you. I ask that you mention to the doctors one of the newer drugs could Onfi. Dr. Marcuccilli told me of a girl who was having multiple seizures a day and is now taking 2 pills of Onfi a day, and it has greatly reduced her seizures. Josh is taking it now as well and has been pretty much seizure free. I say it is definitely worth a try and to try it before any surgery. May God continue to give just enough for the day and carry you in His arms. Love you and your family much!

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  2. I’m so sorry Bekah. Praying for daily strength for you and Danny and healing for Titus. My heartaches for you. Love and hugs to you both.

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  3. My heart too cries out to God on behalf of Titus and all of you. I remember holding my dad’s hand one day when I was taking care of him and just feeling the strength in his hand. It reminded me of the strength of God’s Almighty Hands. I pray that He wraps Titus and you all in His arms and holds you tight in palms of His Hands! Love, Prayers and Hugs!!

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  4. Hi Bekah, this is Judy – Sarah & Michael’s sister in law. I just saw this link on Facebook and followed it here to read your story. I just wanted you to know that your faith and courage to be real is a blessing to me. I’m praying for a miracle for your little guy and peace for you. 🙂

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