What does mothers day hold for me exactly, as I live out bits of other moms’ greatest nightmares and fears? Honestly, mothers day for me has become a paradox. Confusing, too. The truth is that a part of me wants to pretend this day doesn’t happen and ignore everything in me that squeezes tight. The other part of me wants to climb to the tallest point and declare loudly my role as a mom. I am a mom!
I am a grieving mom.
I am a broken mom.
I am often a sleep deprived mom.
I am a grouchy mom.
I am a mom who battles against weight gain.
I am a mom who struggles to find balance.
I am a mom who snaps and yes, sometimes even yells. (I might even slam a door or two.)
I am a mom who grows impatient, feels insufficient and sometimes just wants to stay in bed.
I am a mom who has placed value in how well her kids are doing.
I am a mom who sometimes worries about what others are thinking as I parent in public. (And sometimes, I truly do not care.)
But… more importantly…
I am their mom. Titus and Ely’s.
I am a patient mom.
I am a caring mom.
I stretch myself to places I didn’t know I could go to be their mom.
I am an advocating mom.
I am a dedicated mom.
I am a mom who’s heart is torn apart and put back together in new ways as a result of being a mom… and it’s beautiful.
I labored for hours (and in Titus’s case – days) to be their mom, and that labor hasn’t stopped. It has just changed so I changed with it to be their mom.
I am the mom who kisses boo boos and apologizes when she gets angry.
I am a mom who searches for adventures for her boys to experience.
I am a mom who held her son through to his last breath and had the holy honor of ushering his spirit into the arms of Jesus.
I am a mom.
We are patient, we are impatient. We are loving, we lash out in anger. We are teachers, advocates, coaches, therapists, fighters, and mediators for our children. We also are the first in line to show our kids how to screw up and treat others wrongly. And in turn, the first to show our children how apologies, forgiveness and grace operate in a broken world.
What a horrifying, painful, beautiful and fulfilling role to be placed in… mom.
It’s different for me this year, as Titus’s transition to Heaven as left a big hole in my role as mom. But as with everything in life these days, my heart approaches mothers day with grief and hope holding hands. My pain is held within God’s promise… a promise to redeem.
To redeem not just my son’s disease, death and our separation as a result, but to redeem all the ugly parts of me, the places where I’ve failed as mom, wife, daughter and friend. And because of His promise, I enter my day knowing we experience redemption right here, right now. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be able to do this… write and tell our story. It’s a link in my redemption story.
So yes, I am a mom. So are many of you… maybe even in ways that don’t look “traditional”. You are still a mom. But even more importantly, you are a redeemed and loved daughter of our God – a king who will one day make everything complete and right. In the meantime, He wraps us up in hope and joy filled blankets as we hold pain and grief, failure and loss in our hearts… because we are moms.
And you, my dear friend, are a beautiful mom.
Thanks for listening,